Feeling blue? Take a moment to pause.

I have had many moments of feeling desperately black and lonely these past couple of years. Death of my mum, my grandparents, uncles and 3 of my children leaving home. It’s been desperately sad at times. and I have found that for me, one of the best tonics costs less than a pound.. I've always loved watching birds, there's always a little robin around when I'm gardening. I believe there's an old wives tale that states robins represent loved ones who have passed, I always think it's my mum just giving me a little reassuring nod! So, I bought a bird feeder and hung it on a bush directly in front of where I wash the dishes. So many times I’ve felt flat and then a little family of Blue Tits appear pecking at the seeds. Their excitement, nervousness and beauty are honestly a sight to behold. Try it. It will warm your soul. So much more fulfilling than scrolling through other peoples lives.

My Mum's Early Menopause with no HRT treatment

My mum passed away almost 3 years ago. She had just turned 70. She had been quite poorly for a number of years prior to her passing, with multiple illnesses. In the last year of her life she had become pretty much a recluse, afraid to go out. She stopped eating and she spent most of the day laying in bed. From having hour long conversations with her every day, she cut short most of the chats we had as she was too tired to talk or a coughing fit would ensue which affected her breathing so she needed to go on her oxygen machine. She lived 200 miles away from us but I managed to visit pretty much every month and more so towards the end as she was very fragile and admitted to hospital more and more frequently. Every time I visited I witnessed her simply fading away, in size and in energy. She weighed 5 stone when she died. 

 My mum has a terribly sad early life story. Born into extreme poverty in Belfast, with many siblings, a father who abandoned them and a mother who was addicted to prescription pills. Mum found herself pregnant with me (intentionally) when she was 19 (she told me she had nothing and wanted something that belonged only to her that she could love) and spent most of her pregnancy being dreadfully abused by her stepfather.

 

When I was born, her mother and stepfather sent her out to work and they became my main carers, mum was desperate for someone to love so got herself pregnant again a few months later. That baby, my little sister (we have different fathers) died when only a few weeks old. I think nowadays it would be classed as cot death but her death certificate says bronchial failure. Mum never told me who my father was, she didn’t know as there were a number of options. Since her death I have found my birth father. Mum would have been happy with who it is I’m sure. Anyway, that’s a blog for another time. 

 I want to use this one to tell you about my mum’s illnesses and how I believe many of them relate to menopause. Mum had me at 19, then 2 more children when she was 29 and 30. She then started with a very early menopause when she was around 40. That was back in the 1980’s when there was so much negative press around HRT and the side effects it could cause, cancer being the biggest fear. (The Selling of Fear) So my mum took nothing, yes NOTHING. Nothing for the flushes, nothing for her bones, nothing for her mental wellbeing, nothing for her heart or any of the drastic changes that were happening to her body. In her 50’s (my age now) she was diagnosed with severe osteoporosis, heart disease, and depression. She was given a calcium tablet to take each day and some anti-depressants for a few months. That was it. I watched my mum's life draining out of her. She had no enthusiasm for anything, the doctors just kept giving her a concoction of pills as she got more and more ill. No medical professional actually took any time to find any causes of an aged frail body in a middle aged woman. Perhaps it was because she was a smoker. She smoked her whole life. I think the doctors used this as an excuse for her illnesses and didn’t look any further. I am in no doubt that her early menopause was the cause of her frailty, the smoking didn’t help but was in no way the cause of all of the mental illness that accompanied her diagnosis of ill health. I miss her every minute of every day. 

2022 Update

I cannot believe that the last time I updated this blog was in 2015. Three of my babies are now fully fledged adults and I have a 13 year old who rules the roost. I thought I'd firstly give you all a brief summary of where and what everyone is doing since I last posted. Rose is 22, graduated with a Sociology degree (it's an Ology!), Jean is in her 3rd year of Edinburgh University working towards a Masters in Spanish and French and is currently living and working in Madrid.  Fleur is studying Natural Sciences at Durham University - in her first year. They fulfil the personalities that I predicted back in 2013 which is quite bizarre! Although Rose isn't quite so relaxed these days being a working woman with a huge London rent to pay - she has a long term boyfriend who I think she will marry - he was the first boy she kissed when she was 13 and aside from a couple of years break when they were finding out who they were, they are fully together and behave like an old married couple, showing love and annoyance toward each other in equal measure. She is living with a dear friend from school and works really successfully in recruitment. She takes on the role as the eldest child, makes great choices, is assertive, organised and funny. She makes me smile, a lot. My Number 2, who I speak to 100 times a day has become the bravest soul. Such a homebird and a mummy supporter, full of advice (which I trust and take). She takes my breath away with her courage and kindness. And Fleur, the brightest star, taking top place in her A levels in her school, she doesn't quite realise how amazing she is. Fun and enthusiasm should be in her name. She lights up a room with her positive aura. They are all equally amazing and fill my heart with pride and love.

And then there is my Boo. The other girls tease me that she is my favourite and I tell them that they are all equally my favourites (which is true) but it weirdly feels like Boo is all mine. She reads me, she gives me such joy, she looks different to her sisters, she squeezes me so tightly when I tuck her in at nights. I asked her last night to always squeeze me so tightly when she cuddles me, even when she is 30 and she promised she would. She has no inhibitions with who she is. She is decisive and fearless. She's the first pupil in her school in 25 years to be awarded 3 scholarships to her Senior School. The HRT I was taking throughout most of my pregnancy with her has obviously had no effect on her at all which is such a relief. My incredible child who should never have existed. How did I get so lucky with my 4 daughters. And boy is she loved. Totally and completely by all of us. Her sisters love her more than the world. She is secure and therefore confident to take risks and just be herself.

I'm doing well. 53 now and still taking Premique Low Dose, 1 tablet a day all these years with no real idea when this will end. I get my blood pressure taken once a year (which is always within normal parameters) but apart form that I have had no support or guidance, so no end in sight and to be honest I don't really want to stop as I worry that my bones will suffer. I had a bone density scan a couple of years ago to check my reading and they were all good, exactly where they should be for a woman of my age. The HRT is a definite must for me. I did try and take up running a while back but ended up breaking my leg! Didn't trip, didn't fall, my poor body just got a shock that after all these years I suddenly started exercising. I've now joined a gym and am beginning to run and swim. It feels good and is helping my body (and mind) stay in some sort of shape. The bone density scan was so reassuring as my mum died nearly 3 years ago and although she had been very poorly for a long time with many illnesses, one of her most serious problems was osteoporosis. She broke her hip the Christmas before she died by gently knocking into a bedside cabinet. Her bones had no strength left in them at all. I often think that if she had taken HRT she wouldn't have ended up quite so ill and reclusive. She was so frail that she was scared to leave the house in her last couple of years in case she fell.

There have been a lot of ups and downs since I last updated this blog which I'll talk about in future posts (I plan to update on a weekly basis now that life is less chaotic), the death of my mum, a pilgrimage to my birth place and finding my birth father, my children leaving home. The greatest joys centre around my family, they give me a purpose.

POF Trials

After giving birth to Boo, I began to worry whether my POF would have any effect on my girls or my sister - was it hereditary?  My mum had an early menopause so I guess it wasn't a huge surprise to her when I was diagnosed.  My sister, on my doctors advise took a blood test to check her FSH levels and they were at 7, which was great news. She has gone on to have 2 babies and I'm so thankful that she had no trouble conceiving.

I decided to look a little further into how this could affect my daughters and ended up taking part in some trials in London. My husband had seen an article on the internet from The Daisy Network asking for participants who had recently been diagnosed with POF. Boo was just over 1 when I started. It was a 2 year trial, (Treatment of Premature Failure) and I opted to go 'drug free', so no HRT at all. Every 3 months I travelled to London, had a bone density scan, an internal scan, blood tests and mental health questionnaires.

The blood tests showed that my FSH levels remained high, the bone scans showed that my bone density was reducing fairly quickly, and that I needed to take HRT (until the age of 55). The internal scans showed my shrivelled ovaries - they looked like tiny grapes, with no life left in them. That was the hardest part of it all really. The mental health questionnaires showed that I was okay but not brilliant! I imagine the previous few years had taken it's toll and I was a little depressed. Hard to imagine being depressed when I had everything I ever wished for, but the fluctuating hormones in my body took over and I had no real control over my emotions. I think my body was still menopausal, and with no drugs to control everything, it was seen as being pretty normal to feel the way I was feeling.

It was kind of sad finishing the trial but I did feel that I had helped a little with the research, above and beyond everything else, my daughters may find it a little easier to find information on POF should they ever need it. It also gave them the ability to go to London, to my trial centre,  and have some blood tests when they are older to check their hormone levels. At least that way they will know sooner if there is the possibility of having any problems with conceiving. I share everything with them, in a gentle way, but they are very aware that Boo was a miracle and they understand the reasons why she was such a surprise.

So, I'm now taking Premique again, for another 11 years at least. I do think it balances me somewhat. I don't always feel on top of the world but I'm now 44 and busy with all the girls and their lives, so I do believe that naturally life does become a bit more tiring and running around after the little one is certainly demanding at times.  She's such a character - phenomenally bright and still as feisty as ever!

And then there were 4!

On my way back from dropping my girls off at school this morning I started thinking about their personalities. It's odd to think of how different they are considering they were made the same way by the same people. I wondered if it has something to do with how I felt throughout each pregnancy and perhaps there was something in that?
Rose is very relaxed, almost too much at times!
Jean is super-sensitive, likes everything planned and doesn't like surprises.
Fleur has boundless energy and enthusiasm for everything life offers her.
Boo is a determined, feisty, independant child who likes her own company and everything her own way ... all the time!

My first pregnancy was very relaxed - I thought I knew a lot about babies as I'd helped my mum bring up my brother and sister who are 11 and 10 years younger than me. I got a massive surprise when Rose was born and realised I actually didn't know very much at all! The birth was amazing and easy considering it was my first and she came out very peaceful with her eyes open.
Jean's pregnancy was very fraught as I worried about losing her as I'd miscarried after Rose. She entered the world loud and red faced.
Fleurs birth was super speedy - all done in less than an hour. But she came out blue and I'm sure I didn't breath until they suctioned her and got her breathing again. I was so busy looking after the other 2 and running a business that the pregnancy whizzed by at such a speed.

As you're aware, number 4 was a completely different as I didn't know I was pregnant until 18 weeks! I spent the following 22 weeks in a sort of state of disbelief really. I became quite isolated from people, as their reaction to the pregnancy was strange and I had to hold all of my emotions and anxieties inside as I didn't want my true feelings to impact on the other girls. I basically just knuckled down and got on with it, on my own most of the time.  It's interesting that Boo, although she likes being with other people, is so independant that being on her own is good for her. It has to be done her way or else.  I guess that's like the pregnancy.

The birth was interesting. I had the same consultant as I had for the other 3 so when it came close to time, I asked for an elective inducement. I was so worried that I would be at home with the girls and have such a speedy delivery that they would end up acting as mini midwives. My husband was working in Brighton which is 3 hours from home.  Fortunately the consultant agreed and I was taken in and my waters were broken at about midnight. She was born at 9.10am the following morning. My longest labour.  Which was good for the paramedics and nurses that were training as they all took turns in witnessing my labour and her birth. My payback to the NHS!

Our lives now are a little mad really - not much time for anything - certainly no time for me or my husband. Although I'm not complaining. I always wanted a big family and I'm blessed to have 4 healthy gorgeous children. I count my lucky stars every day. The girls are now 14, 12, 10 and 5 and life revolves around making sure they are in the right place at the right time will all the right equipment. I wouldn't have it any other way. My baby turned 5 yesterday. I honestly still cannot believe how lucky I am to have her.

Surprise Pregnancy

Following on from my story below... So, within a couple of days I'd gone from grieving for all the babies I could never have to suddenly finding out I was over 18 weeks pregnant. Looking back I think I was in a daze - almost like being drunk - having everything I'd ever wished for but it all being a bit blurry and feeling like I was dreaming - just being pushed along with all the medical appointments rushing along - my 1st ante-natal appointment was on 21st May with the consultant professor who had looked after me throughout all my other pregnancies - he was somewhat surprised to say the least! I had to contact my doctors surgery and find my wonderful midwife who had cared for me for my previous pregnancies. So, I had my first appointment with Caroline which was very emotional. My next appointment was on May 29th for my 20 week Foetal Anomaly Scan. This was the most reassuring. I'd been so worried that the HRT would affect the baby. My consultant had reassured me that the HRT that I had been taking - Elleste Duet Conti June 2007-March 2008 and then Premique from March till May 2008 should not have any adverse affect on the foetus. I began to relax when we saw the fully formed baby on the ultrasound scan. It was perfect. But come on, how on earth could I not have known? The nausea, bloating, lack of energy ... I'd even been to see my GP - and he just changed my HRT - didn't even think to check if I was pregnant. It seems so unfair that they symptoms of pregnancy and HRT issues are the same - what is mother nature thinking about - so very cruel. I had a phone call from the original doctor who diagnosed me with POF - I think he was a bit concerned that I was going to sue him! Apparently they have now changed the full practice now in Northamptonshire, England. You see, I have it in writing that I have absolutely 100% no chance at all that I would ever conceive - this is a direct quote from the letter I received after my initial diagnosis " diagnosis is idiopathic premature menopause ... no prospect of this improving or of her achieving either a natural or an IVF pregnancy". Not once was I ever told that there was a slight possibility of conception. I have since learned that 5-10% of all women diagnosed do actually conceive. If I had of known that there was a chance of pregnancy, even a slight one, I would have done everything in my power to conceive. But to speak from my heart, it was only when I had come to terms with the fact that I would never be pregnant again that I actually conceived? Where's the sense in that? I do now know that women like me are now not completely written off and that the diagnosis letter is now a little less final and women are given a glimmer of hope. And for that I am thankful.

PREMATURE OVARIAN FAILURE

MY STORY I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure in June 2006 and in October 2008 I gave birth to my 4th daughter! I’ve Googled and researched all the information I could find but nothing really answered any of my questions – even the many doctors I’ve spoken to. I’m a bit of a fluke apparently. But for those of you who may find yourselves in the same position as I did, here is my story. 

PREGNANCIES AND GYNAECOLOGY HISTORY 

My third daughter Fleur was born in April 2003. I always believed that I would have another baby as I’ve got a bit of a thing about even numbers! Three babies was never enough (does that sound greedy?).  So, I breast fed Fleur till she was 1 and for about a year afterwards I had fairly regular periods. With my other babies, I’d fed for a year, and within 3 months of stopping I became pregnant. I’ve always been a 28 day cycle girl so when in 2005 they started becoming a little irregular (35-40 day cycles) I made a private appointment with the consultant who’d looked after me throughout my pregnancies to find out what was happening. I wasn’t very happy with the result. I didn’t learn anything. He said that as a woman’s body gets older it kind of becomes a little out of sync – a bit like an old watch! He said I needed to decide whether I wanted another baby and he could investigate. I wasn’t desperate for a baby, I just wanted to know what was happening to my body. 

MENOPAUSE THOUGHTS 

In 2006 I only had 3 periods – by the end of the year I’d started having hot flushes and sweats. During this time I’d become friendly with a nurse who had gone through an early menopause and it seemed to be that perhaps I was going through the same? I was 37 years old. I left it until June before making an appointment with a Consultant Gynaecological Surgeon who was personally recommended by the nurse friend who was also seeing him. He gave me a full ‘female’ medical, physically examined my uterus and gave me an ultrasound scan. This showed that I had a perfectly normal uterus and ovaries but that there was an insignificant 10mm cyst on my right ovary – which was perhaps the remnants of an old follicle. Apart from this the scan showed that there was no ovarian activity. 

FSH LEVELS Furthermore, I had blood tests to find out what my Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) levels were – the first test showed the level to be 147 and the second – 2 weeks later showed a level of 136. Extremely high. My understanding is that a normal menstruation levels for fertile women are between 2 and 25 approximately and that they become almost 0 when you are pregnant. Post menopausal levels are anything from 25 to 100. (Please note these are approximate figures). 

IDIOPATHIC PREMATURE MENOPAUSE / PREMATURE OVARIAN FAILURE 

My diagnosis was idiopathic premature menopause / premature ovarian failure. The consultant wrote to me and told me that there was no prospect of achieving a natural or IVF pregnancy and that he recommended that I begin HRT treatment until the age of 55. I was now 38 years old. Something then took over me. I’ve never been depressed but I had an overwhelming feeling of loss. It was like grieving for all the babies I could never have. People kept telling me to think about how lucky I was to already have 3 beautiful daughters and believe me I’m blessed and thank my lucky stars every day to have them but the devastation was immense. It’s so hard to explain but I felt like I hadn’t finished my family – that we weren’t quite complete. And no-one seemed to understand. That was a very dark time for me – I felt completely alone. I looked for information on the internet to see if there was anyone who was going through the same but there didn’t seem to be anyone like me. My sadness took over me for a few months but after a lovely Christmas with my very patient , handsome, fantastic husband and my gorgeous girls I “gave myself a shake” and decided that 2008 was going to be a new start. I was going to get a job, go to the gym and enjoy my family. 

HRT SIDE EFFECTS 

So, in February when I was feeling dreadful- bloatedness, headaches, spotty complexion and no sex drive I went back to the Doctor to see what was wrong. He suggested that we change my HRT. It didn’t help. I felt like my tummy was swelling and I had dreadful wind. I felt enormous. Once again I looked on the internet and found that this was probably a side effect of the HRT. So I just tried to remain positive. I was going to the gym 3 times a week and doing 30 sit ups a day and dieting. However, I’d begun smoking again – and was smoking around 10 cigarettes a day. I also enjoyed many a glass of white wine and found myself a little worse for wear on a few occasions during this period! We went to Disneyland Paris with the girls and for a while I forgot. The Tower of Terror was certainly terrifying! We had such fun and I was actually enjoying and appreciating all the goodness in my life. 

Now for the interesting bit ... Friday 16th May 2008 – once again I was at the gym. I had to stop the treadmill as I had an urge to wee – I went to the ladies and one of the mums from school was in there – she asked me if I was pregnant. It felt like something inside of me just cracked. The poor woman – I gave her my medical history in a nutshell but was so very upset. I got home and wept. That evening I was playing on the floor with the girls and felt my barren tummy. I pushed the fat belly down, feeling cross with my body and myself for being so upset. Strangely I could feel something hard just pushing up above my pubic bone. I asked the girls to feel as well thinking that it could just be my imagination, but they felt it too. Saturday 17th May 2008 – I spent some time on the internet searching for answers – what on earth could this swelling be? All the sites I found pointed to either pregnancy (which of course couldn’t be possible) or fibroids. I asked Adrian if I should get a pregnancy test just to rule that option out but he knew what I’d been through so told me not to. I have a lovely friend who is also a GP so I sent a text to her saying how awful I was feeling and about the lump I’d found in my tummy. She called later that day and arranged to pop over to examine me once she’d got her children to sleep. She arrived at around 8pm. I answered the door and showed her my bloated tummy. She laughingly asked if I was pregnant. She was also very aware of my history. My girls were still awake and watching X Factor! Ruby and I went into the sitting room and she felt my tummy. She also felt the swelling. We called Adrian into the room and Ruby asked him to go and fetch a pregnancy test. Adrian and I just looked at each other – surely this was impossible but just to humour Ruby off he went. She thought I may have a bladder infection? 

PREGNANT? 

So, after a very confusing 15 minute wait, Adrian returned equipped with a Tesco branded pregnancy test (we’d always spent a little more and bought Clearblue for the others). Ruby and I went into the loo, I wee’d into a specimen bottle and Ruby unwrapped the test. She said she just needed to rule out the pregnancy possibility but would also check my urine for infection before prescribing any drugs. Can you guess what happened? I handed her the bottle, she popped in the pregnancy stick and instantly the positive pregnancy line appeared. She said congratulations, you’re pregnant. I was dumbfounded. We called Adrian and told him. I think we hugged and I started crying. Surely this couldn’t be true. Ruby was visibly worried about what sort of pregnancy this could be (the words molar pregnancy were used) and phoned one of her colleagues who is a consultant at our local hospital. I was advised to stop taking my HRT immediately and booked in for a scan at 12.30 on Monday. Sunday 18th May – Oh boy – I spent the day in a complete state of shock. It was really odd – I looked up my ‘symptoms’ in one of my old pregnancy books which stated that to feel the swelling I was feeling so far above my pubic bone I would have to be 16 weeks pregnant. Ridiculous. I’d read stories of people who never knew they were pregnant till the actually gave birth and never believed them. For goodness sake I’d had 3 babies already – each of which I knew of the pregnancy before I’d even missed a period. I also started worrying about the cigarettes, alcohol and exercise, plus the fast rides I’d been on in Disneyland. 

GYNAECOLOGY SCAN Monday 19th May. 

I had a normal routine morning with my girls and dropped them off at school. I came home and lay in the bath trying not to build my hopes up but wishing and wishing that this all wasn’t some medical prank. Adrian and I looked at my naked body in the mirror and suddenly I looked pregnant. But I was still squeezing into my size 10’s. How could we not have known. We arrive early for our scan appointment and whilst we were waiting a young woman, her boyfriend and an older woman who I assumed was her mother, came out of one of the scan rooms. The young woman was crying. I guessed that she had miscarried. My turn – we were called into a side room to answer some basic gynaecological medical questions and were then taken into the scan room. Honestly I’m sure this is when I started holding my breath. I lay down on the bed, lowered my trousers and waited. The radiographer squeezed some jelly onto my tummy and spread it out with the scan probe. She was obviously very experienced. Without any exaggeration – within 15 seconds she said that there was a healthy looking foetus in my uterus and it measured 18 weeks and 2 days old. What? I’m crying as I write this. This was all my dreams come true. I allowed myself to breath again and started crying with unequivocal joy. How? So many questions. Even the 2 nurses in the scan room with us were delighted – we were in the gynaecology department, not the normal maternity unit. They usually deal with bad news here – our obvious delight and disbelief rubbed off and during later scans (which I’ll tell you about later) we were remembered as we’d made their day. 

SHARING THE HAPPY NEWS 

We came home, and discussed when to tell our girls. Jean, our number 2 daughter had wished for another baby in the family. Every birthday, every candle she blew out she’s wished for another sibling. It was a relief to get home from the hospital and find some more comfortable clothes to wear – I got changed and went to school to collect the girls. When we arrived home, we sat the girls on the sofa and asked them if they could make one wish what it would be. Jean immediately shouted out “a baby”. Adrian told them that we’d been to the hospital so the doctor could try and find out what was causing mummy such discomfort in her tummy and that they had found it was all being caused by a little baby! They were delighted. You must bear in mind when you read this that we’ve always been honest with the girls, gentle, but very honest. They knew that I’d been sad, poorly and had to take tablets every day. They also knew that I wanted another baby. It’s funny isn’t it, although I’ve always worked and been moderately successful, the only thing I’ve ever wished for since being a little girl was to fall in love, get married and have lots of babies. I come from quite a dysfunctional family and have always had a belief that I could create a wonderfully wholesome family. All of my pregnancies have been a dream and each birth, although very different, has been a fantastic experience for me, if a little painful! That night we went as a family to see Paul Weller. We met some dear friends there and shared our news. They of course were delighted if a little shocked! I’ve never kept my menopause a secret. The following day at school, the girls shared our news amongst their friends and teachers. The reaction was surprising. The children were all excited but the parents reacted weirdly. There was a real sense of disbelief that I couldn’t have known. In fact people actually confronted me with that. Other women who I’d classed as friends stopped talking to me. It was all very shocking but to be honest the pregnancy itself was a shock. I’d gone from being on HRT with premature ovarian failure one day to being almost halfway through a pregnancy the next. Of course I was delighted but it was odd because I’d kind of been grieving for all the babies I couldn’t have and I’d got halfway through a pregnancy without even knowing. I needed to bond with my baby. I’d missed weeks of talking to my baby, rubbing my tummy. I’d missed my dating scan at 12 weeks, it was too late to have any of the usual blood tests.